absent

Haven't been around.
Have been working on little home projects, having adventures, and cuddling with my loved one.
:)
Hello kitchen curtains!

Needed.

It would seem that I like to feel needed and wanted.
I guess that seems a normal notion.

Only, I think I need to learn where my line lies. Maybe I need to learn when and how to stop trying to help.

Sigh.

Sunken City…

Here are some more that didn't make it to Flickr…

They were taken in the Northern area of the Salton Sea. This is referred to as the sunken city. It is only 1/2 sunk now, as the water level has gone back down significantly, but it makes for treacherous exploring. Natasha sunk all the way up to her thighs! Thankfully, we were wearing these fishing waders you see in the first image. Tasha's mom said we look powerfully female :)

An oasis that once was.

Here are some images from my week away, camping in the desert, and visiting the Salton Sea. I've wrote it up a little on Flickr, and don't want to repeat myself… just going to throw up a couple of images here that haven't made the flickr cut.

Nakhes

Nakhes is a yiddish word that basically means, "the pride generated in the elders by their lineal descendendents." More casually… it means joy and satisfaction. I spent my wee years being told about how much Nakhes I bring them.

My grandparents just moved into a retirement residence. My mom spent the last few months in a constant state of exhaustion, trying to help them go through their belongings and prepare for this move. It's a big change, and my heart hurts that I was unable to contribute, being so very far away. I know how difficult a transition it will continue to be for them, but I also think it will be wonderful to be in a situation where they have more of an opportunity to socialize again, and have medical help close at hand. Would you believe they are in their mid-eighties?

My grandparents have lived such a full life. In fact, they have lived so many lives. I don't know of anyone who has had as many different careers as my Grandpa. He is in the middle of writing his memoirs. I am glad for that, for his stories are always so rich and plentiful. My Grandma has been referred to by all her children as the world's best mom. With good reason.

So, I am thinking today about my Grandparents, and their first week in their new home. I am also thinking today of my mother, who has been working nonstop on their behalf in order to make this move as easy as possible. Every time I have spoken to her for the past several months, she has been exhausted from this major transition. I would have to say that she and my Grandma might have to duke it out for the title of 'world's best mom'. Possibly 'world's best daughter'.

I love them all, and it aches me to be so far away from them. But I am glad that the move went well, and that several family members were able to come to Montreal and pitch in. I have Nakhes thinking of them!

Genuinity, Integrity, Curiosity, Empathy… and some serious Frolicking.

I was visiting one of my Flickr contacts' streams and she posed the question of what do we live by?
It's a good one. I rambled long enough to realize I ought to post something here. So I've copy-pasted a little, and paraphrased myself a little.

I think that, "Practice Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty" is one of the most important/inspiring phrases. Quite a few of the religious folks I meet practice kindness for a long-term purpose: to get into heaven, or to do what Jesus says to do. I'm not so hip to that reasoning. I'm not so hip to any reasoning… I don't think kindness should be practiced in the 'be good and you'll get a treat' sense. But I think it is essential. I am not anti-faith. I'm quite thoroughly agnostic, where Scott is very, very firmly atheistic. But there are many things about organized religion that rub me very heavily the wrong way. I try to practice kindness and goodness, because human beings deserve kindness and goodness. Because that is how I would like to be treated. Because anything. Just because. Not because Jesus said so, or else I'll go to hell. Just because I simply know so.

I also think understanding is essential… so sympathy, but better yet, empathy, should be a concrete way to interact with people.

I took an independent business class a few years ago, and our first project was to design ourselves a coat-of-arms type of thing. Which initially struck me as a bit silly. But the real point was to narrow down what is important to you as a businessperson and then to create this emblem that you would be happy to fly on a flag as representative of everything you're about. I think the words I chose weren't entirely expected, but at their core are very, very important to me: Genuinity, Intelligence, Integrity, and Frolicking. Not only is this how I'd want to run business… it's how I want to run my life. Genuinity meaning authenticity and sincerity, and being the most yourself that you can be… Intelligence representing not necessarily just being scholarly or studied but also, and more importantly, being aware, in touch, and thoughtful about one's interactions with everyone and everything. And constantly learning and growing. In fact, I think that I might now swap words and use Curiosity or Learning instead of intelligence. Integrity speaks for itself. And frolicking? Well, I think these types of thinkings often get so wrapped up in seriousness that we forget how important it is to be joyful and silly, seeking adventure and discovery.

I think that when I am at my most unhappy… I am furthest away from these notions. Oh, and lastly… I love love! The more love, the better. That's the reasoning behind posting the above image. I miss my mom, I love my mom, and the shoot I just did with Amy and her mom reminded me of how much I love love.

So, I put the question back out there for all you who aren't flickrites, or who didn't want to respond to Amanda's Post.

How do you live your life? By what ideas? What notions are important to you?

Nothing Much

Yesterday, I had a callback job interview. Ahhh… second interviews. They are so much harder than firsts. Firsts, you have so much less to lose, and you go into it feeling a little like throwing caution into the wind. But once you've got that second one… Oy.

Anyway, it seemed to go alright, but certain elements might lead me to believe otherwise. Sigh. I thought it was down to me and just one other guy, but it seems it's between five people. So, I guess I'm preparing myself for the possibility of not working at this publishers' marketing/distro house. Dammit. I really want this one.

Oh, yeah, and… um… well, went to Canada, whirlwinded like a serious tornado, and am back now. The above shot was taken in a Corn maze in rural Ontario. Since corn translates to 'maïs' in french, I enjoy the notion that we walked through a Maïs Maze. I haven't uploaded much else from our trip yet, but I shall soon.

Anyway, let's leave this quickie on a 'learn something new everyday' note, provided by Josh, my sister's main squeeze. True Fact: If you go swimming in the Dead Sea, it is very important to clench your buttocks firmly while in there, or you may get to suffer from burning bottom (we're talking insides, here) syndrom for days afterward. No joke. So clench tight, folks!

Value, Validity and Vantage Points

The other day, I took pity on a friend whose self-made logo was suffering from her complete lack of design training. I was working on some quick helpful shifts for her, and when I sent some versions over for her approval, I mentioned that I hope she appreciates the value of hiring a trained designer, and slipped into a classic Jasmine rant: I am incredibly frustrated in the graphic design field, where I have spent many thousands of dollars putting myself through school, and yet am undervalued due to the saturation of people in this industry who call themselves designers. I went on to rant about how annoying it is that any Joe Shmo nowadays can "be a designer", as our tools of the trade are really very publicly accessible: computers… Adobe software. Anyone can download about three million terrible free fonts from the internet, and I have recently discovered the plethora of free vector art and such as well as of course, stock photo websites that one can join for a matter of a few bucks. People with no careful thought behind their creations can book the same interviews as I can… in fact, as I sit here jobless and interviewless, they may have gotten the interviews I haven't.

It frustrates me because I didn't go to school to learn programs and techniques. Sure, I picked some up. But I spent those tens of thousands of dollars on my degree in order to learn to think, see, criticize, edit and produce truly creative ideas. I could have gone to community college to learn programs. But I wanted to learn to design… to understand how to organize information so as to successfully solve design problems. Not just how to make something pretty. My problem is not just the people who call themselves designers and in my opinion lack depth of vision and understanding. My problem is also the grave issue of the public's underappreciation for the difference between the two. I don't think many people out there hiring have enough training to understand why they would want someone with the breadth of ideation and critical thinking skills over someone who has impressive program knowledge. How can an appreciation for thorough education happen if the acceptance of untrained designers as professional pervades?

Okay, so, there's my rant… an issue that frustrates me immensely (especially being unemployed at the moment). I spoke to Scott about it over dinner later, and he surprised me by talking about all the parallels in the computer science world (which he lives in). For instance, he suggested that the kids getting out there these days don't think long-term or thoroughly (robustly, he called it) about the programs they build, among other issues. I was really surprised to see that parallel in such a different industry to my own. Though the difference is that a completely failed design can still make it out into the world as an advertisement, while a failed computer program will not run. Similar, but not quite as grave.

Anyway, once he spoke to me of that, I kept thinking about this issue that troubles me, and I had a stark realization. I have been beginning to think of myself as a photographer, and not just an amateur who likes to mess around. Photography is important to me. The truth is, in the back of my mind, I have been toying with the question of whether I could potentially be successful professionally as a photographer one day. And so, I feel like a hypocrite, because professional-trained photographers must have rants just like my own. Flickr must be a source of infinite frustration for them, when they see the myriads of people trying to make a go of it without professional training. Granted, I'm probably at more of a half-way point than most, as I did go to college for Fine Arts, and then followed that up with a degree in design. I have quite a bit more theory behind me than I imagine many Flickrites do. But still. I think I want to hear others' opinions on this matter. Is it fair that so many young people out there are buying a DSLR and trying to make it a business? Is it frustrating to professionals? Do these amateurs lack the valid theory, and knowledge of history for great image-making? Does it matter? What is valuable nowadays in this regard? What about other industries… does this also seem to be happening elsewhere?

I apologize for being long-winded… thanks for reading this far.

Mother, daughter, and matching ink.

First paid shoot… mother and daughter and matching tattoos! Yay :)

vulnerability

Despite popular opinion, I am ridiculously shy. I know you don't see it outwardly, but it's there. I guess I overcompensate… I probably come off as uber-outgoing. I'm not too bad one-on-one, generally speaking. I would even say pretty good. I appreciate depth in conversations, and one-on-one is something I can work with. But I am terrible in group situations. Sometimes I find myself having to run off to the bathroom to hyperventilate out an anxiety attack. Maybe I come off alright, and even confident, but though some may think it fine, I do not. Because it is both a façade, as well as a person I'm not really that fond of. I appreciate quietness and thoughtful approaches to the world, but I doubt that's how I come across in groups. From time to time, I will do really well in a group setting, and I think to myself, "I've beat it!", but I always seem to fall back into my patterns of fear. I am afraid of rejection. Terrified of it. I need outside affirmation… my own self-support never seems to be enough. I think I have always strove to do my very best not for self-satisfaction, but to gain others approval and admiration. I am sure this is part of my problem.

I have been looking for work for some time now, but I am so sure I could do so much better at it if I believed in myself more. It's weird. I truly do think that I am a talented and creative designer. I really do. I think I approach my work intelligently, with layers, and a broader understanding than the majority of people I went to school with. But those are just words on paper (or the screen, in this case), as I don't seem to be capable of carrying this confidence through to successfully landing gainful employment. And I think it has to do with what I was saying about my shyness and patterns and habits. I have a major complex that revolves around my not being taken seriously, I always have. I have always spent time with people older than I am, and was (and often continue to be) convinced no one really took me seriously, or respected me for my opinions and thoughts due to my age. But it's not just an age thing…it has to do with the fact that I don't seem to have enough personal convictions to keep these issues from bothering me. Everyday I get up in the morning and check out job things and feel like, "why should I bother? No one will hire me anyway." And the thing is, I'm not fooling myself here, I know how stupid this attitude is, and I know that this poor attitude is what may in fact keep me from landing something good.

Anyway, I don't have a reason for going into this. I just felt like being really honest with myself today. Sometimes I feel that I can create an entire public perception of myself that is inaccurate. It is, however, different from being phony or dishonest. More, it's like having a grand-looking home, when visitors come, but only showing certain rooms that are 'fit for public view.' And that room doesn't really reflect much about the rest of the home. It's a room that probably is not at all lived in… used only for greeting outsiders. I just want to stop seeking to be this perfect, positive, empowered person in the eyes of others, and start getting there on my own, irrelevent to how I am perceived by others. This is something I need to work on, something only I have the power to change. I get lots of praise and encouragement from friends and family, and that is obviously not sufficient. It needs to come from inside me, that total belief and confidence in myself. I'm just not sure how to get those gears a-turnin'. I assure anyone who reads this… I am not writing this in order to garner any "you're great, you can do it" encouragement. You really provide me with vast amounts of this already. It's not the key to my changing, and not the purpose of this post. I know what my strong traits are, what I am good at, and I am indeed proud of those things. I guess the point is I often try to conceal the vulnerable, weak, imperfect parts of myself (particularly in internet social forums and in group situations). I really don't want to do that. I feel that lately, I have not been living up to my potential in numerous ways. I do intend to. I am just searching for the how. Encouraging praise won't get me anywhere. Helpful strategies might, though.

In addendum:
I really do like myself. I like who I am. This post may sound a little bit depressing. I'm not really as down as I may come off. It's just a bit of honesty that's been hiding in a mental corner for a couple of months. It feels good to be frank and earnest about a darker piece of myself.